No is one of the most loaded words I can think of. No is power. No is a sentence unto itself.

Last night I gave away my power to say no. I did it of my own volition; I did it because I wanted to; I did it because I trust my Him.

Giving away that power makes me feel even more vulnerable. Yes, of my own accord, yes, I wanted to, yes, I trust my Him. But I'm afraid of the result. I could now learn some of the best parts of myself, the parts I'm generally afraid to explore. I may find that I'm capable of so much more than I've known.

I may also learn what real power means. Does giving away my "no" mean that I am becoming, finally, an absolute possession? Will I become O? Would I rather die than be without my Him?

The answers can only depend on experience. I'm afraid. But I'm also relieved and happy. If it turns out that my Him does reject me, well, I'll find out what happens from there. I think it's more likely that I will suffer from His disappointment in me than in a real rejection.

Still, this scares me somewhat.

(One tiny little plus - today was the first time we had phone sex while my Him was safely ensconced away and I had to work myself over in public. I found it liberating and strange. I'm still replaying it in my head, and I'm still getting off from it.)