In The Movie Now

There is no glory in trying to make love to men who only know how to fuck
Man, after man, after man, after man
Raised on porn
Out all day while he's been watching two dollar videos
Now piled by the VCR
Out all day
At work, at class, at the gym
While he's been making plans
Out all day, returning with bags of bread, and tomatoes, and bluefish for what you think will be dinner

Dinner is you
And you are nothing like the dead eyed, blonde women he's been watching
You're in the movie now

He is nothing like you remember
No time for a condom, take a pill, or put in a diaphragm
Those girls never get pregnant anyway
What are you trying to do?
Clothes cannot come off fast enough get them off get them off
Shoes are always left on you don't know why
You're in the movie now

You used to scrape your nails against the walls
Leaving streaks like scars of where you wanted to stay
And where he took you
Now you just go
It'll be over in ten minutes twenty at most
A black envelope closes with you inside
You're in the movie now

He winds your hair around his fist like a roll
And keeps it nailed to the bed
You swear you'll cut your hair tomorrow you swear you'll cut your hair tomorrow
You still swim in memories sometimes
It wasn't always like this, was it?
You are becoming stone
Stone desires nothing
Stone cannot be moved
Stone can only be worn down
Little by little
Close your eyes and think of England
You are tucked in for the fucking
You're in the movie now

There is no beauty in being held face down on a bed of sheets that tear beneath you
And you are wearing him like a country you haven't the strength to carry
You're in the movie now

You don't fight he takes it from you
He takes it from you he takes it from you
Now it isn't yours how could it be
It isn't yours anymore never will be again
One eye open focusing on a window
Years of this and you don't even say anything anymore
This is how it is how it will always be
You're in the movie now

It doesn't hurt anymore
You're shut down examining fibers in the pillowcase
Counting them until he's finished
Seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine
He says look at me look at me it's no good unless you look at me
You look right through him look at your bookshelf
Your grandmother's patio your list of things to do this weekend
The basil is drying by the window

He says if you cry it makes him angry
I fuck better when I'm angry
You know you know he says it every time
You learn not to cry

You are startled that he's doing this to you
You are startled that he knows how
You are startled that you stay
Know that you would tell a friend to kill him if he did this to her
Your mouth is on fire with possibilities
You say nothing
You shut down your body one limb at a time
Like you learned in drama class relaxation exercises
Absence of pain makes anything possible

Because you are pretty you are possessed
You too are alone
Owner and owned
You used to confuse this with caring
You used to confuse these with caresses desire doesn't live here anymore desire doesn't live here anymore
You are turned over and over
Backstrokes in your own blood
Horses have been christened with less

There is no glory here
Only bloodstains and apologies that come with the stroking
Only throwing up in a sink
You'll have to scrub out later

- Nicole Blackman