Surrender

MyHim hurts me. You know that, right? He's rarely emotionally violent, and only physically violent when I ask for it and when he feels it's a good time.

He's actually more grown up than I about such things. I expect punishment for a myriad of my actions, but when I ask, he tells me that he will never hurt me because he's upset. Only because of the situation.

You know that I have scars from myHim? That he's run a Wartenburg wheel over me until I bled? That I have teeth marks on my ribcage from a bite? This last time, he did soft tissue damage to my shoulder. Once he was done, he asked me how I handle the pain.

Here's how I handle the pain: It hurts like fire, like I don't know what, until the endorphins kick in, and then I can relax and let it go. Even when the pain continues, the body protects itself. And I relax. And I surrender, because that's the moment I've waited for. I can breathe through the pain (and ohgod it hurts) because the surrender is there. Peace.

All my life I fight. In those moments, I don't.